December 18.
You ever get that feeling that an answer is staring you in the face and you’re missing it? I’m in that place right now.
Today, I had my weekly one-on-one with the supervisor and I yawned the whole time. I must have yawned 5 or 6 times in less than five minutes. Having noticed this yawning being excessive over the last several months, it occurred to me that I might be responding to being held accountable. Even as I type this, I’m yawning.
But what is it about being held accountable that could trigger such a response. It seems to me that growing up, a yawn in the middle of a boring lecture would generate the wrath. So that wouldn’t be a thing to do. But there’s something about this accountability thing that I seem to be missing.
I know that I got yelled at and beat for mistakes and things I didn’t do. But how is this tired and yawning connected to it. It seems to rise up as a defense, but a defense against what? I’m not quite sure.
It’s like I know have words that describe what’s happening. But I don’t have words to describe what I’m reacting to. This tired and the yawning are out of proportion to anything actually happening and the yawning seems to only happen at certain times, especially when there’s accountability or the possibility of it. I’m wondering if it’s some type of dissociation or whether I’m just making shit up.
But surely, something is happening.
When it occurred to me that accountability might be the issue, I went back and I read my poem I’m Trying to Reach You. I read it several times today and I know I wrote it, but it’s like I still can’t connect to the voice of that young, angry child. She’s full of rage and while the adult me is apologetic, there’s still no connection.
What does this have to do with accountability?
I don’t know. But the answer is staring me in the face and I just cannot see it. These are connected and I know it’s part of developmental survival. I know what I endured. I wrote a whole book about it. But there’s a divide. There’s a whole me that I don’t know. And this makes my head hurt. This makes me tired.
And so the battle rages.
Tsuhai Nzinga 