The Journey is always a tough one. There are triumphs and setbacks, even flat out fails. As I walk this journey, I find that there are few who want to walk it with me. This is a source of anger for me. my counselor and I discussed this in our last session and in what I can only call a failed attempt at positivity, she talked about how great it is to see the professional musician or dancer performing at the peak of perfection and how it makes us feel and how it makes us want to strive to be that. I responded with “yes, it is great, but again and proving my point, no one wants to walk the journey to get there.”
As a society we’re quick to celebrate greatness but we tend to keep our blinders on to what it takes to be great. I’m guessing that these feelings about the journey are why I’m rarely inspired by the inspirational stories that I see, read and hear about so often. And this is more than likely due to my unwillingness to even begin my own journey until life became critical. I wasn’t ready to face all of this and now that I am facing it, I’m acutely aware of why I avoided it for so long.
Another reason for avoidance of this journey is that embarking on it denotes having a destination, a future—things I’ve never had. The prospect of having a destination generates a fear that I am unable to explain. Fear of the future. Fear of failure.
Much of this fear is emotional flashback fear. Making any decision for myself was met with severe wrath. There was no planning for the future because I didn’t have any future past today. If tomorrow came, it really was no big deal. During my years of going to church, many a member fervently held on to the verse that “Joy comes in the morning.” I’ve been waiting a long time for that morning and it ain’t came yet. The church folk also spoke often of that “Peace that passes all understanding” and that ain’t happened for me either in all of my 50+ years. There was no joy for me. No peace. No tomorrow. No future. No destination.
Contemplating the idea that I’m now on a journey, I find myself confused, apprehensive and scared. I’m unsure of the destination. Though I’ve called this a journey to wholeness, I have no idea what that looks like—I’ve never been that. What’s gonna happen when I get there? Does this mean I have a future? How do I plan for a destination whose road has never been walked and whose end has never been seen in a future that’s never been thought of?
I honestly have no idea but as I walk, I will tell this story. Perhaps, for someone else, it will become the map that I can’t seem to see.