Love Must Be Free

December 22.

Two things I heard today that have no obvious connection but both are weighing on me so I will dive in today with these in mind.
The first is the word somatic. Second is the phrase Love must be free.
I’ve heard the word somatic many times but never really understood what it means, especially as its applied to psychology. In his article Trauma Healing: The “HOW TO” Is in the Listening, Roland Bal said

It is the very seeing—cognitively—and the very feeling through the emotional layers—somatically—that help you to start healing your Post-Traumatic Stress.

According to Bal and others, one is supposed to do this without reacting. My question is always How?
Somatic, according to “is a fancy word that just means dealing with the body.” So basically, one should allow suppressed feelings to come to the surface, cognitively (thoughtfully, in other words) acknowledge them as you feel them somatically (in the body) and listen to what the body is saying. I got two words for that–It Hurts! It hurts to think about it. It hurts to feel it emotionally and physically. I might as well stab myself and be surprised that I bleed. Sigh.
But the past don’t go away. It lives right here inside of me. It’s part of me and I cannot change that. It happened. And it still hurts. Breaking free of the chains of this past is the challenge.
Which brings me to thought two. Love must be free.
I heard this today at the poetry slam hosted by Affinity Lab Co. A fellow poet shared poems about unrequited love and accepted it because Love must be free. One cannot demand it nor force it upon someone.
Love must be free.
But what, if anything does this have to do with somatic?
If my thought process is sound (and I believe it is), then the message today is that I must become more aware of what I’m feeling emotionally & physically in order to sync them so that I am free to love.
Love must be free.
I must be free. I have been locked out from myself. My emotional self is separate from my physical self. The two do not work together and this divide means love is not free.
While love is an action, it’s also a feeling. As a survivor of abuse, feelings are hard to feel. And in my case, I have used alcohol as my numbing agent for so long that my body generally doesn’t respond to emotion the way psychology says it should. These days I have anxiety that I feel in my body but even then I have a hard time connecting to emotion.
While an anxiety attack is brought on by a trigger, what I didn’t realize is that when the anxiety attack is over and my body is relaxed, the emotional trigger lasts far longer. This disconnect is what I’m supposed to address through what Bal and others call integration.
Integration is what will allow freedom to love. Freedom to love others, but more importantly freedom to love myself.
Love must be free.
And I must be physically, emotionally & psychologically integrated to love freely.

Love must be free